my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
