Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
