ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
