she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
