If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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