I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize