Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
