wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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