Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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