i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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