You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
