is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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