why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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