just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
