i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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