Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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