i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
