im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
