So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Green mimosas i think yes
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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