Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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