I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
