you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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