can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize