You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
