he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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