before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
