is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize