We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
