I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just cropdusted the office
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
