just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
