I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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