This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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