she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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