does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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