how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
We are all done wearing pants today
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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