Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
