when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
