did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize