I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
