what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
