Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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