I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
