I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
