So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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