So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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