Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
