i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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