Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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