dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
