Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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