you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
