you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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