I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
