God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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