I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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