so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
