Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
