I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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