You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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