I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
