I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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