she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
